Disenchantment

I don't know why, but I've had the word 'disenchanted' in my head all morning. Am I disenchanted about this snowy wonderland, or with this pregnancy, or with our new cat (I know for a fact that I'm disenchanted with our new cat). But I don't think that's it. Maybe it's the new Disney movie 'Enchanted' that has this word lingering on my tongue.

With 5 weeks left in this pregnancy the novelty has quickly worn thin and the sinking reality that this baby is coming out, and coming out soon, is weighing heavily upon me.

There's a gloom when I think of food. I want to eat all the time. Seriously, ALL THE TIME! Right now I really want to go to Tim Horton's and get a Boston Cream doughnut. The other night I caught a glimpse of a Crispy Creme commercial and longed for one of their warm, fresh, glazed doughnuts, which made me think of Jim, which made me think of fresh barbecue pork buns, and which is now reminding me of the super gooey, honey filled fruit cake he sent us for Christmas last year. I've already had a craving for that fruit cake and on my hunt to satisfy that satiating urge I opted for a cheaper and blatantly less fulfilling substitute. I can't begin to describe my disappointment.

Aaaahhh, food. It's a pregnant woman's demise.

So instead of beating myself up about food and the exorbitant amounts of which I've consumed today I'll list the things I'm grateful for:

1. Being able to give birth to new life.



2. My more than understanding husband.



3. Mini-me who makes me smile and laugh the majority of the time we're together (except for when we're fighting about clothes).



4. Family and friends for their love and support, and for allowing me to share in their hopes, and fears.

There's so much more to this world and this life than those fears which my mind magnifies. Disenchanted or not, I'm so grateful to be where I am today.

Reflections on Time

How can time pass so quickly? I've such vivid memories of being 15.

Kinga and I trying to sneak out of her parents house at 1 in the morning and getting caught by her mother. Hanging out in various parking lots along South Fraser Way with the few guy friends we had who happened to have vehicles. Not wearing my glasses out in public for fear of looking like a dork, and having to ask Shiloh and Dee Dee if certain guys were cute or not.


This pondering of time gone by has been brought on by the realizations that:

1. I'm 29 years old, therefore I might as well be.....ugh, 30! and


2. My daughter's almost 4 years old.
   

I can still remember remnants of my single, self-indulgent life. Though at times I imagine myself bursting out the front door with my screams blocking out all other possible sounds, my hair a wild blaze trailing behind me as I run from our house to anywhere else but here, I know that this is where I'm meant to be. My role as mother and wife is far more important and fulfilling than any of my past meanderings could become.

With becoming a mother came the foreboding that I'm mortal and one day I'll die. I know I haven't made the most of everyday. I have days where I do nothing but sit in my pyjamas watching TV (or playing scrabble on facebook), neglecting any form of cleaning that needs to be done and playing a very basic, 'yes I'll get you food and juice' guise with Ava until Nathan comes home. But the days that I spend focusing on her and doing whatever it is that her little heart desires far outnumber the lazy, self-pity ones.

So I march on, as only one can do living the finite lives that we do. I take with me a beautiful collection of memories and ponder life's endless possibilities.