Beautiful Chaos

Notions of beauty surround me in the faces of my children. It’s amazing how powerful and magical life truly is. How did I become the mother of three children? They’re all so unique and precious in their own individualistic way. Ava, my sure headed beauty who loves to create art and help others. Hudson, my handsome little toddler who loves anything mechanical, snuggles with a ratty old stuffed puppy, and whose face lights up the room when he smiles. And finally, Everett, my newest love. He may only be 3 months old, but I know that we’re the most alike. We’re both Virgos, he looks the most like me, and is the quiet thinker. People often exclaim at how serious he looks. It’s as if he’s studying everything, and being so new to this world I don’t find it all that odd. He’s my snuggly baby who thinks deeply and loves to play naked.

Will there be one more soul to join our family? Deep down I feel as though there is. Nathan will answer you with a definitive “No!” I, on the other hand, am not so sure. I love our chaos because it’s a chaos filled with love, laughter, playfulness, and of course yells, screams, and the occasional swear from me. But at the end of the day when I tuck each of my precious children in I thank the Lord, the universe, the Goddess, Buddha, whatever higher power is up there, for blessing me so greatly.

No matter how much I may threaten to sell my children on e-bay when they’re driving me batty, I know that Nathan and I will look back at these moments and wish that we could go back for just one more day. These are the days that I’m going to miss most, and I try to hold onto them with everything I’ve got.

Disenchantment

I don't know why, but I've had the word 'disenchanted' in my head all morning. Am I disenchanted about this snowy wonderland, or with this pregnancy, or with our new cat (I know for a fact that I'm disenchanted with our new cat). But I don't think that's it. Maybe it's the new Disney movie 'Enchanted' that has this word lingering on my tongue.

With 5 weeks left in this pregnancy the novelty has quickly worn thin and the sinking reality that this baby is coming out, and coming out soon, is weighing heavily upon me.

There's a gloom when I think of food. I want to eat all the time. Seriously, ALL THE TIME! Right now I really want to go to Tim Horton's and get a Boston Cream doughnut. The other night I caught a glimpse of a Crispy Creme commercial and longed for one of their warm, fresh, glazed doughnuts, which made me think of Jim, which made me think of fresh barbecue pork buns, and which is now reminding me of the super gooey, honey filled fruit cake he sent us for Christmas last year. I've already had a craving for that fruit cake and on my hunt to satisfy that satiating urge I opted for a cheaper and blatantly less fulfilling substitute. I can't begin to describe my disappointment.

Aaaahhh, food. It's a pregnant woman's demise.

So instead of beating myself up about food and the exorbitant amounts of which I've consumed today I'll list the things I'm grateful for:

1. Being able to give birth to new life.



2. My more than understanding husband.



3. Mini-me who makes me smile and laugh the majority of the time we're together (except for when we're fighting about clothes).



4. Family and friends for their love and support, and for allowing me to share in their hopes, and fears.

There's so much more to this world and this life than those fears which my mind magnifies. Disenchanted or not, I'm so grateful to be where I am today.

Reflections on Time

How can time pass so quickly? I've such vivid memories of being 15.

Kinga and I trying to sneak out of her parents house at 1 in the morning and getting caught by her mother. Hanging out in various parking lots along South Fraser Way with the few guy friends we had who happened to have vehicles. Not wearing my glasses out in public for fear of looking like a dork, and having to ask Shiloh and Dee Dee if certain guys were cute or not.


This pondering of time gone by has been brought on by the realizations that:

1. I'm 29 years old, therefore I might as well be.....ugh, 30! and


2. My daughter's almost 4 years old.
   

I can still remember remnants of my single, self-indulgent life. Though at times I imagine myself bursting out the front door with my screams blocking out all other possible sounds, my hair a wild blaze trailing behind me as I run from our house to anywhere else but here, I know that this is where I'm meant to be. My role as mother and wife is far more important and fulfilling than any of my past meanderings could become.

With becoming a mother came the foreboding that I'm mortal and one day I'll die. I know I haven't made the most of everyday. I have days where I do nothing but sit in my pyjamas watching TV (or playing scrabble on facebook), neglecting any form of cleaning that needs to be done and playing a very basic, 'yes I'll get you food and juice' guise with Ava until Nathan comes home. But the days that I spend focusing on her and doing whatever it is that her little heart desires far outnumber the lazy, self-pity ones.

So I march on, as only one can do living the finite lives that we do. I take with me a beautiful collection of memories and ponder life's endless possibilities.

2nd time around

Here I sit, 25 weeks pregnant with a little boy. Reflecting on how I've come to this time and place in my life is overwhelming and fills me with gratitude and thankfulness. Who should I thank? God? My parents? Myself for turning my life around and reaching for the stars? I knew there was more destined for me, more to this life than just getting by, than going from shitty job to shitty job and from shitty boyfriend to shitty boyfriend.

Chances. How many are we given? How long until we snatch up the one that matters? I knew when I saw my daughter's precious little face for the first time that I deserved better and so did she. There's nothing like bringing a child into the world to put everything into perspective.

We left that one horse town to fulfill our destiny. To start our own adventure and see where the road took us. Initially it was a forestry driven town called Prince George. We arrived January 1, 2005 to -40 C. The cold froze you to the bone regardless of the five layers of clothing you had on. The crispness of the air and the purity of the snow washed me clean.

The melting of the snow brought spring, and for me it brought new love. It was one of those cliched moments when I saw him for the first time and knew that he was the only one I wanted to love, not just for the moment, but for my entire life. His warmth seeped through, and the kindness in his eyes shattered all of my defenses. We fell madly in love and the road brought my daughter and I to a beautiful beyond your imagination place called Penticton.

Nathan and I were married on Thanksgiving Day last year surrounded by all of our close friends and family. Everything fell into place for us. After we married we bought our first home and now we're expecting our first child together.

It's been a beautiful journey and I can't wait to see what's in store for us next.